blondieb182

I wish I could be what you need (But I just can't agree)

2007-10-01T22:08:11Z

I wish I could be your need
But I just can’t agree
I’ve given all of my benefited doubts
You give me the reasons to doubt

No one can take away our years
Everyone can try to break us apart
But the truth of this matter is,
Only we have the power to do that

I can’t listen to the same shit from you every day
You say you’re over it,
You don’t want to deal with it
Yet, you help cause it

You two are better off without each other
Why keep a secret if you are love?
You say I don’t understand because I’ve never been in it
A person doesn’t have to experience to know it,
We can learn from other people’s mistakes.
Not all mistakes are supposed to be made.

She tries all she can try with you
And all you do
Is lie all the time even when she knows
No wonder she acts the way she does
She doesn’t know how else to get through

I am always on your side
But I can’t always support what you say
Maybe I’m not always on your side
I wish I could be, but I just can’t agree

Maybe it’s unfair of me to do
Because you always do for me
Maybe that says something
About each other.

We need to take a break
I need to walk away
Then when we come back
Maybe we can finally talk

Hopefully we will find what brought us together in the first place
Together again we will be.
Forever just for a while.

No wonder he says the things he says
I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it
No wonder he does the things he does
I’m sorry; I just wanted to hurt you
Because I don’t know what else to do

Seeing less of myself in you (who? you and me.)

2007-04-27T01:40:51Z

Could you be anymore fake…

Just look at yourself and say it
Just look in yourself and say it
I’m sorry… I’m sorry…I’m sorry… I'm sorry... I'm sorry...
I can’t be

I’m too afraid to approach it
I’m too afraid to let it in
I’m too afraid to approach it
I’m too afraid to let it in

If you just came a little bit closer,
Then maybe I’d finally go in.

Could you be anymore fake…

Is there more to this?
There is more to this
Just let it go, to let it in
Just loosen the grip to feel the fall
Just let your heart out, to feel it all

Give it all to me
I want it all
I want it all
Give it all to me

The loneliest of days are catching up to me
I’m feeling agony
The saddening reality

I sit in the chair and stare
A zombie to my only reality
The words echo:
Is this enough, yet?
Is this… all of this, enough yet?
Too much is never enough isn’t it? (yes)
Too much is never enough for you.

When you lie beside me, I see what you don’t let them see
When you do those things, I see what they see in you
You can never be, all what I need… you can never be, all that I need.

I don’t understand that you can’t understand
I don't get why you don't get it
I don't understand that you can't understand
I don't get why don't get it
just stop... just stop... just stop... and look at what you're doing

She can’t let it go, not matter how much she says she will, she never will, no matter how she says she will it never will because she has no will, she wants it all. She wants to fall. She wants it all. She wants to fall.

to watch (to watch)
What you (you) do
To watch (to watch)
What you (you) do

I wonder (wonder)
How (how) you do it?
I wonder (wonder)
How (how) you do it?

(to watch - you) I (wonder how) _and_ why?
(to watch - you) I (wonder how) _and_ why?
Why... is it to so hard to just, walk away?
Why... can't you just allow to let it go?
Just stop trying to hard to not see!
Stop blinding your eyes with your lies!
And allow yourself to see what you bleed.

You've made the bed, for both of us to lie in.
I could leave you to lie in it, but I don't know how to justify.
What would I say to make it okay for my walking away???
It's so hard, because you never saw it to begin with... so how can I expect you to see this now.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite for telling you to walk away when I can't walk away from you.
Maybe that says something.
The fact that I'm seeing less of myself in you.
The fact that if I met you now, I wouldn't even bother.

blondieb182 @ 2007-03-13T02:28:00

2007-03-13T09:28:44Z

Can a lesbian wear a dress or skirt one day, and then the next wear baggy pants, a tee shirt and a button up over the teeshirt without being judged or looked at as 'confused'???
I walk around trying to figure out not who I want to be, but what type of who I want to be.
Butch? Femme? Boi? Androg? What will get me the most noticed by the lesbians and not have that awkward "sorry, I prefer girls." talk with a nice straight guy who asks me out, but at the same time be true to who I am?
Can a lesbian who wants to not be a butch-dyke nor be with a butch-dyke be successful at that?

I shave my armpits and legs... so what?
I wear perfume and a little make-up sometimes... so what?
I wear skirts and sometimes dresses.... I wear tight lowriders... fitted tanktops... so what?

I feel like a piece of meat to all those butchies and players because I've never really done anything before.
I don't like to 'play around' so what? I'd rather date someone who was once my friend than a stranger... is that stupid to want THAT?

blondieb182 @ 2007-03-02T00:00:00

2007-03-02T07:01:40Z

Well, I am finally starting to feel like I am on both of my feet again! Thank GOD!! Ya know? I like baggy pants. They feel comfy.
Another thing, friendships are so weird. It seems the ones you are closest with you want space from, and the ones you have space from you want to be closer with. Talk about irony 'eh?
Hopefully once my feet are fully solid on the ground I will be able to meet some people I WANT to meet and may WANT to hang out with, hrm... it's gonna be a long shot, but we shall hope.

Who knows.

2007-02-28T10:19:11Z

So, I'm trying to figure out why something so natural and has been a part of me for so long is also so new and scary to me??? It's a conflict. And I hate it. And, (call me a chicken if you please) I'm afraid to experience it alone. I feel kinda stupid feeling that way but, I know it's also normal to feel that way too.
My friends here though, really aren't "comfortable" with it, whatever that means.
I just wish I could figure out what's holding me back I watch all these other people walk in calmly and having a great time! And I know that I will have a great time too but... AHHHH...! I don't know.
It's all so new to me, which is weird to say because it IS me.
gahh!

stressed

2007-02-20T09:28:58Z

wow. I had kind of forgotten I had one of these things. So uh, where to start?
I'm stressed out beyond belief and not sure if I'm going to be able to survive academically even though I really really really want to. But I am struggling alot! but hopefully it will all change/get better soon.....

blondieb182 @ 2006-09-21T01:39:00

2006-09-21T08:57:51Z

I wrote this in my notebook a few days ago, thought I'd share it to everyone else(it's really choppy and weird, I have had decet inspiration lately):

Looking out
at this world the we live in
Makes me wonder
When will it all truly begin

And I never understood
The rules of this world

Looking at the sun
Asking 'why have we been shunned?'
Knowing I won't get a response
But I'm too stubborn to stop asking
(or maybe I am just innocently naive?)

I always have that feeling
that people are no longer breathing

We are just walking
without bothering, without talking

We wait for a change
to come along.
(We're not going for all or nothing.)

It's ridiculous how much acid
we allow into our eyes

We dumb ourselves down
To feel at equal level

We try to find the cause of
this catastrophic chain reaction
But it is no use
It's the same repeated question:
Which is better to believe in...
Ecolution or Science?

We live our lives thinking it's all (and only) black and white.
And we don't realize (what is right in front of us in clear view)
That we are all living in a world that is filled with different shades of grey